I'm Not Laughing

Last Thursday night, Nanuq broke my television set.

You're probably thinking, How is that possible? How could a 10-pound cat knock a 30-pound TV off a stable surface, smashing its internal parts to pieces?

My friends have offered a variety of theories. Erika thinks Nanuq got trapped in the cords and dragged the TV down. Mom suggested he hopped onto the top of the set and pushed it over. Jessie believes he pushed over my Japanese screen divider, applying just enough pressure to push the TV over the edge. Amy suggested he jumped from the window and landed on top of the TV, thrusting it to the floor.

My theory is that when I turn off the lights at night, Nanuq turns green and transforms himself into the Incredible Hulk Cat.

Here's the evidence. I went to bed at 11:00 p.m. Thursday with a 17-inch television in place. At 3:30 a.m. Friday, I was awoken by a short, flat-sounding crash. Thinking Nanuq had knocked over a pot, I crawled out of bed in the dark and walked barefoot into the kitchen. I saw nothing but felt something sharp scrape my foot. I turned on the light to see my television face down on the floor. I observed large pieces of plastic jutting into the air, as well as green and gray computer parts attached to many wires, all spilled onto the carpet like a dropped bowl of spaghetti. About three feet away, I found Nanuq. He looked at me, rolled onto his back and meowed.

I stood in front of the fallen TV for at least three minutes, blinking. Was this really my TV set? Was Nanuq really strong enough to break it?

I surveyed the devastation, collecting the sharpest pieces of plastic. Then I picked up the TV and actually attempted to turn it on. Clearly, I was in a state of shock. How could Nanuq do this to me? And why the night before the Daytime Emmy Awards, when I was to see my idol, Rick Springfield, perform for the first time in a decade? Truly tragic.

I was so devastated I decided to shower and get ready for work. I was ready to leave at 4:30 but couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead, I crawled into bed fully clothed and fell asleep. When I woke up several hours later, I thought the whole night had been a dream. But when I looked around the corner, there was my TV, still flat on the ground.

Nevertheless, I have begun the process of forgiving Nanuq. Maybe he did it because he doesn't like watching baseball games with me. Maybe he wanted a larger TV set. I'll never know.