Thursday, February 02, 2006

My Little Vacuum

It's such a beautiful day. I wish Lancelot could see it.

A few days before Lance died, I walked to a park near my office and watched as the people went about their business. It was unusually warm, just like today. A group of children tossed a ball, and some little girls danced to the sounds of music in their heads. Several women walked their dogs. I leaned down to touch the ground. I liked the feeling of the grass between my fingers. I thought about bringing Lancelot there so he could see, smell, feel the outside. I had never allowed him out of the house, so he had never experienced the outside. He was so out of it at that point that I knew I could bring him there and he wouldn't run away. I wish I could have given him that experience, but I worried he would be upset by the commotion.

Some of my friends think it's time for me to get a new cat. I'm worried. What if I can't love it? What if I bring it home and feel nothing? Will I feel guilty for loving a new cat?

On the other hand, I feel terribly lonely. I would be saving a life, which is never a bad thing. I would have a new warm body to curl against at night. I got home late yesterday after a horrible day. For just a moment I forgot Lancelot was gone. I was ready for a kitty hug. I would come in the apartment and say, "Lancelot, I had a bad day. I need a kitty hug!" And then I'd get it, at least until he got sick of me.

I've lost some important things over the past year--a serious boyfriend, a beloved pet. Lancelot was a member of my support system. I have many wonderful and supportive human friends, but sometimes I just want that purrrrrrrrr, that mysterious vibration that means unconditional love. I called Lance my "little vacuum" because that's what his purr reminded me of. Sometimes I would just look at Lancelot and he'd start purring, even if I wasn't touching him. It made me feel warm, safe, secure. It made me feel loved.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmm...I don't think my post took so I'll write it again.

Dear J,

If you want some company when you go look at kitties, let me know--I'd be more than happy to join you--though it may be something you'd want to do alone! I fully support your decision to get a non-black cat.

Love,
Ray

1:48 PM  
Blogger Janine said...

Thanks, Ray. Honestly, I'm a little threatened by your Cat Whispering ways. I see you as the Pied Piper of cats; you could walk down the street and they'd all follow you to never-never land. :-) I will definitely think about it, though. I could use the moral support!

1:54 PM  

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